Family.

I use this blog for many reasons…One is to keep track of all the funny things my kids say, another is to remember all the memories we have and so my kids could look back on them when they get older.  The last reason is as a journal for myself.  This post is more of a personal journal entry.  I keep this blog private so that I can use it for personal journaling as well as for sharing kids pictures.  I like to look back and read my own thoughts on things at different stages in my life, so that is what this is for.  Feel free to skip this entry for more interesting kid updates…

One thing I am learning as I get older is that "Family" means different things to different people.  I am realizing that people are really shaped by their upbringing and who they are surrounded with.  The first person I met who had divorced parents was in college.  That is so strange to me now, to think that it took me that long to be exposed to the concept of divorce.  I feel like my children have been exposed to broken families so much younger and I have had to talk to them about what that means so much younger.

When I look at my youth, I was surrounded by friends whose parents are still married to this date.  Every friend I have had growing up, through college, still has married parents (the obvious exception being my husband:-).  All my parents friends that they have had since their 30's are still married.  Why is this, when 50% end in divorce?  In my own family, I don't have a single aunt, uncle, grandparent, cousin, etc…who is divorced.  The only divorce in my family is my brother in law who was married prior to meeting to my sister.  I always thought this was because of our Catholic upbringing.  But, not all my relatives are practicing Catholics and I can't say I was brought up in a very strict Catholic home.  I think that it is more than religious views.  I think that it is a general belief system of what marriage means and what family means.

What really got me thinking about this was a conversation I had with my Arabic Grandmother a month ago.  So much of my values come from my Arabic background.  There, the concept of family and putting family first above all else is so huge.  They also believe in a strong extended family.  When you get married you aren't just in words part of the family, you literally are one of the family, and treated no different.  Daughter in laws will live with their mother in law and stick around even if the husband dies.  I think when you have this view point it takes out the option of divorce, because just like you wouldn't divorce your parents, why would you divorce your husband/wife, they are your family.  For better or worse.  Divorce is just not an option or something even thought about.

I am realizing as I get older that in many American homes, they don't see the married spouse as really part of the family.  They are still kept at a distance or maybe treated different.  My parents don't do this.  Dennis is very much part of our family.  They spend the exact same on him for Birthdays and Christmas as they do for me.  My brother in laws are all very close with each other and with Dennis and we all get a long as one big family.  We all vacation together, Dennis has poker nights and my Uncle's, Dad, cousins, etc…will all come.  He literally is one of the family.  The way many Americans households work, where it isn't like this, it so much easier to divorce, because those relationships between the person and the family just isn't there and the spouses themselves don't see each other as true family.

I hope that despite all the exposure my kids get to different types of families that they are able to hold on to the importance of marriage and family.  I want them to choose wisely when they marry, knowing that marriage is forever.  I want them to view their spouse as their family and take divorce off the table.  I want them to view their in laws as their family and consider the whole family when they think about whether or not to marry someone. I am not sure how to pass these values on to them and it is something as a parent I really struggle with.  How do I instill in them all the values I want to pass down, when they are surrounded on t.v, in school, etc by the complete opposite?

I also want my kids to be close with each other as I am with my siblings.  We hang out all the time because we genuinely want to.  I spend a lot of time talking to my kids about "brothers stick together" and "brothers take care of each other", and I can honestly say that at least now they are all really good friends.  Sure they argue during a game of football, but they also play with each other daily and have similar interests.  I know they really love each other and I hope that continues.  I hope they always want to be a part of each other lives and that even when they are married they come together as my family does.

It is interesting as you get older to realize how different people and events in your life have shaped who you are and what you believe.  You don't realize when your younger that basic beliefs aren't shared by all and even now I have moments where I realize wow this isn't something everyone thinks about or feels a certain way about. It is also very scary as a parent to realize that so many people other than yourself will shape your child into who they are and what they believe.  As somewhat of a control freak that really scares me.

Parenthood is full of so much self doubt and I am starting to think of parenthood as holding your breath and waiting 18-25 years to see how it all pans out and then you can let it out.  I hope that when I do let out that big breath that I can be proud of both who they have become and also of myself and the job I did.